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Orchestral jokes


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So we all know the rock musician jokes. How about orchestral jokes for a change?

 

I'll start.

 

What's the difference between a viola and an onion?

-> Cutting a viola in little pieces won't make you cry.

 

How many violists does it take to change a lightbulb?

-> None: they can't reach that high.

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An oldie but goodie...

 

There's a long segment in Beethoven's 9th symphony where the basses don't have a single note to play for page after page. So the bass players made an arrangement with the conductor that after they had played their parts in the opening, they were to quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage rather than sit on their stools doing nothing.

 

Once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the street and grab a few beers. After a few rounds, one of them said, "Shouldn't we be getting back?" Another player, presumably the one who suggested this excursion in the first place, replied, "Oh, I anticipated we could use a little more time, so I tied a string around the last pages of the conductor's score. When he gets there, he's going to have to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with the other. That'll buy us some time."

 

So they had another round and finally returned to the stage, all pretty much soused. As they resumed their positions, one look at the conductor's face told them they were in serious trouble. He was furious! You could cut the tension with a knife! And why not? After all, it was the bottom of the Ninth, the score was tied, and the basses were loaded.

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An oldie but goodie...

 

There's a long segment in Beethoven's 9th symphony where the basses don't have a single note to play for page after page. So the bass players made an arrangement with the conductor that after they had played their parts in the opening, they were to quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage rather than sit on their stools doing nothing.

 

Once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the street and grab a few beers. After a few rounds, one of them said, "Shouldn't we be getting back?" Another player, presumably the one who suggested this excursion in the first place, replied, "Oh, I anticipated we could use a little more time, so I tied a string around the last pages of the conductor's score. When he gets there, he's going to have to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with the other. That'll buy us some time."

 

So they had another round and finally returned to the stage, all pretty much soused. As they resumed their positions, one look at the conductor's face told them they were in serious trouble. He was furious! You could cut the tension with a knife! And why not? After all, it was the bottom of the Ninth, the score was tied, and the basses were loaded.

 

 

This is a great one. :lol: :lol:

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What do you do with someone who can't play a musical instrument?

 

Give them two sticks and make them a drummer.

 

 

 

What do you do with them if they can't handle that?

 

Take one of the sticks away and make them a conductor.

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Les and Tim were in the Viola section rehearsing Brigadoon with the Del Mar Jr. College All Regional Orchestra. Tim had a big white swollen squeezer zit right there where his nostril joined his cheek. Every time the conductor stopped to give instructions, or embellish a passage Les started egging Tim to pop it, but try as he may, he couldn't get his fingers firmly around it. After much antagonising by Les, Tim finally suceeded in getting a good grasp with his fingers and started squeezing like the dickens. His face turned red, his eyes started to water, but in determined resolve, he squeezed harder. Suddenly, bloooosh, with an audible pop, the geyser erupted spraying the sheet music, the hair of the girl in the flute section directly in front of him, and the bell of the trombone off to the left. Les fell completely out of his chair laughing causing the Conductor to raise his eyebrows, frown, tab the podium, and continue the next passage.
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What's the difference between a symphony orchestra and a bull?

 

 

The bull has the the horns at the front and the asshole at the back.

 

 

and

 

 

What's the similarity between the horn section and the Beatles ?

 

 

 

Neither has played together since 1970

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